Will I look back at this blog and be embarrassed? Ashamed of my arrogance and naivety, shocked at how sure I was of myself? At least my shame may be a representation of the progress I have made as a human… but if I have made “progress”, and acknowledge it as such, I must be careful not to fall into the same pit of hubris by forgetting my own ignorance while I bask in supposed “progress”.

The truth is I already am embarrassed. Most of what I write here is unedited, slop-shod, and condescendingly irate with my audience. I write more than I should, and I justify it as practice, but it is an unskilled practice, without careful consideration or reflective analysis. I just write because I feel it. My subjects are inconsistent, my opinions under-formed and under-informed, my statements too bold and bullheaded. It is an angry kind of writing, something that lets the rage out. It’s just masturbation, and I so frequently am able to kid myself into thinking that it is practice for greatness; if anything it is a testament to why I won’t be great in the way I want to be.

The only times I’ve gotten feedback is when I have been more personal and soul bearing. Ironically, avoiding making myself into a public spectacle was the main reason that I chose to write about economics and politics. Maybe no one really knew wtf I was talking about with the economics stuff, or maybe Peter Hefti is the only subject I know enough to write about and make it sound genuine. There are billions of assholes with opinions on politics, millions of pseudo intellectuals with economics degrees who are writing blogs instead of research papers. That is my real failure as a scientist: I’ve reduced myself to a common pundit, and unlike Paul Krugman, I don’t have a Nobel Prize to justify my diversion. I don’t even have a master’s degree, for whatever that is worth. I value these things only so much as other people value them, because other people and what they think is what it is all about; otherwise, why would I write for you all to read?

I’ve begun writing a book. The hardest thing for me was to just start, but now that I’ve finally picked a topic, things have gotten easy. This means that I won’t be blogging as frequently. I am kind of bored with it. Now that I have reached my objective of “getting into the swing of things” with writing, and I have enough confidence in my abilities, I am not sure if there is any point of me doing this. I feel like I’ve kind of reached a dead end. I could continue to read the news and write angry technical tirades against everything, but it makes me feel like I am losing touch with my inner sense of self. It also just kind of makes me depressed. Responding to perceived injustices is tiring work.

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